As I get ready to host this first of a series of three Empathy Sessions (online) - the first one starts in about half an hour - I am finding myself curious about how you experience empathy.
When was the last time you felt deeply understood? Did you notice a shift in your internal world? What did the other person say or do?
I'm welcoming actual responses to those questions, as part of my current line of inquiry and exploration and learning, so feel free to just respond to this email.
Empathy is the lifeblood of relationships, and it comes in all kinds of forms - as myriad as all of the many types of relationships that we have. I'm defining empathy as the ability to understand and connect with another person's inner experience while honoring it as their own. It's important to note that just because I understand someone else's experience (or think I understand it), doesn't mean that they will feel understood by me. This is how empathy can be tricky, because if my "understanding" of their experience isn't effectively communicated, then the empathy hasn't really landed.
As I think about the loved ones in my life, and my clients, I notice that different people respond differently to empathy. Some people don't really want me to try to guess what they are feeling and needing (that's a commonly taught practice from Non-violent Communication), maybe because it can feel too invasive or presumptive. Sometimes what lands as more empathic is actually just "holding space" for the other person's experience. I'll share more about that in the next few days, that's another topic that really interests me right now. "Holding space" is a form of empathic presence, that often doesn't require words, just a certain quality of being.
One of my favorite forms of empathy is what I call "operational empathy". That's when someone anticipates an actual need that I have and makes some sort of operational proposal. For example, "Sarah, would you like to pause and take a breath right now?" Or "Would you like to have some time to yourself?" This practice skips over the identification of the feelings and the needs, but it can still land so deeply with me.
What about you? What comes up for you, reading this? What works for you, in helping you to feel understood?
Sarah Belzile
