Most of you know by now that I am a fan of shadow work. Particularly, erotic shadow work - the kind that helps us to "out" and "own" the shadows that most constrict our erotic and relationship lives. I am so loving this course from the Light Dark Institute - Playing with Darketypes! We are about half way through the course... get on their mailing list so that you'll know next time they offer it.
I am particularly vibing with my Covert Manipulator. Want to get in touch with yours, too? Here's a bit about it from the workbook from the course:
The Covert Manipulator avoids direct confrontation, feeling unsafe to be seen in its agenda, and instead relies on emotional leverage (like guilt) and strategic persuasion to achieve its goals. This darketype excels at reading others’ emotions and motivations, skillfully shaping dynamics to maintain control while appearing cooperative or harmless. The Covert Manipulator may use charm or strategic agreeableness to subtly influence outcomes without causing conflict. It may employ tactics like withholding information, selectively sharing details to shape perceptions, or planting veiled suggestions to guide others toward desired outcomes. It may use sexuality or flirtation to gain favor, guilt-tripping to elicit sympathy, or seemingly innocent charm to build trust and lower defenses.
Does this sound familiar? Here's a few practical examples:
- A partner repeatedly brings up past favors or sacrifices to subtly pressure the other into compliance or agreement.
- An individual uses sex appeal and seduction to draw someone into doing what they want while keeping their agenda hidden.
- An employee builds alliances and subtly undermines colleagues to gain power and climb the ladder at work.
- A family member plays on others' guilt or sympathy to get their way, making it hard for others to say no.
This Darketype has run my life for years! I am so good at withholding information or selectively sharing certain facts! The more I look at this, the more I realize how much energy I spend trying to CONTROL others. It's exhausting, and I'd love to let go of as much of that behavior as I can...
I also love using my sex appeal to try to get people to adhere to my agenda of personal growth through play (that's what my Erotic Playground is all about).
For example... for almost two years now, I've had a handsome and swarthy lover, we'll call him Keith, who episodically appears in my life, takes me out to fancy dinners and hotels, (or we go camping), and the sex is hot and good every time we get together. Sometimes he throws me around on the bed like a roll of carpet - I love it. When we met in January of 2024, I was quite single, and he knew that. In the meantime, I have since developed ongoing relationships with two other steady partners. The last time I saw Keith, this summer, I declined to share with him about these other two partners. I felt nervous to tell him, I was afraid that he wouldn't want me anymore! There were many points in the conversations with him when I could have brought up these relationships, and I didn't do it. My Covert Manipulator was really doing her job well!
Fast forward to the week before my birthday, earlier this month. Keith called, just as I was waking up from a nap, and let me know that he wanted to come to town on my birthday. As soon as he told me this, my Covert Manipulator felt totally cornered since I knew that if he came to town that day, he'd meet both of my other partners since they would both be at my party. My heart beating extra fast, I used the excuse that I was too groggy to make plans at the moment and got off the phone. I used the pause in the conversation to check in with myself. I asked my Covert Manipulator - what are you really wanting here? What's at stake for you?
And I realized that this ever vigilant part of myself was not only trying to avoid rejection, but I was also trying to safeguard a particular fantasy I have with Keith. When I'm with him, I get to pretend that I'm a 1950s housewife, and we're monogamous and he provides for my needs and I get to stay home and cook and decorate the house. Obviously - y'all know me - this is NOT my life - nor do I really want it to be. But it's a fun fantasy! Once I realized that's what was going on, I suddenly felt excited to share this with Keith.
So I called him right back and told him the facts - I told him about my other two partners, and why I hadn't wanted to tell him - my fear of rejection as well as the fantasy that I have been creating with him. Y'all, he was totally fine with it, and really enjoyed hearing my fantasy! After our chat, I felt that exquisite lightness in my spirit that happens right after I share something potentially scary or heavy and it goes well.
This is the kind of magic that happens with erotic shadow work, my friends. It's SO GOOD!
Also, my Covert Manipulator wants to manipulate TWO more of you into signing up for Playing in the Dark Retreat in Asheville, NC (Nov 13-16) because it will really GET ME OFF to have all the beds in the house full! She also wants you to know how wet I get when I think about how much MY offering of this work has influenced the folks who have taken it.
Do you like the way I'm using my sex appeal to advance my agenda of improving your life and mine? Is it working?
The next three images are with my legs spread wide... they are pretty juicy... for premium members only...
