I have a new lover and I want to tell you about how hot he is - and we are together - AND because there's a teaching moment here. I was contemplating a hot moment that happened while we were about to make dinner in the tiny kitchen of my tiny home, and all of the learning and skills that made this moment possible. Also, I am working on a chapter for my book that's about the skill of "asking for what you want", it occurred to me that this is a hot example of that skill in action.
I'll get to the juicy story after I share the teaching piece.
(I love to tease you!)
"Asking for what you want" is a way that we let our souls be seen by other people, and it enables us to more fully express our unique gifts. It's vulnerable, courageous and it's a form of self-leadership. These are reasons why I think that expressing our desires is a virtuous practice. Doing so is a set of quite complex skills! Here's the breakdown of what this requires, in the form of questions. If you're interested in practicing "asking for what you want", notice which of these questions really resonate with you. My sense is that reading through this list will help you to understand why it's often so damned hard to ask for what we want, because it's only going to happen once we have a handle on ALL of these challenging questions. Good reason to be patient and gentle with ourselves! And that's why, when we actually do it, it's something to celebrate and honor.
- Are you in touch with your body and your inner landscape? Asking for what you want starts with self attunement. That's the ability to track and interpret the data and the signals that we get from our bodies, our nervous systems and our minds and discern some pattern from all the noise of day to day experience. This is basically the opposite of disassociation, numbing or tuning out of the present moment.
- Are you in touch with your autonomy/power to influence the present moment? In order to ask for what we want, first we need to remember that we even have the autonomy to do that! In many social situations, especially for folks with social anxiety, it's easy to abandon ourselves and assume that everyone else is in charge of our experience. I also often forget that I can ask the Universe for what I want. So here's the news flash - You have unconditional permission to ask for what you want in ANY situation.
- Are you aware of some options of different things you could ask for, in this moment? This step is so often the missing link. We know that we want SOMETHING but we don't know what. This is where it's super helpful to hang around with other folks who are good at asking for what they want because they provide good examples of new possibilities. "Wait, you mean, I can actually just ASK for that? Or - Wait, you mean it's possible to have two different kinds of lovers who meet two different needs for me?"
- Do you have the necessary words and/or means of expression? Struggling to find the right words to express what you want can be a big stumbling block. And this is where it can be helpful to reassure ourselves that it's OK to be awkward and clunky - and to maybe try the request a few times - or write it out ahead of time - before it comes out the way we want it to. It's OK to pause and allow the words to appear or to ask for help for this part, from a loved one or a coach.
- Do you feel safe enough to share what you want? I feel this question so deeply because creating an atmosphere of unconditional acceptance and safety is SUCH A GIFT. I remember when I first heard an erotic educator talk about the importance of cultivating safety as a way to enable intimacy. I didn't get it - because I had never actually felt that safety, and I didn't know what I was missing. This new lover of mine, we'll call him Rob, gives me SUCH a sense of safety. He's gentle, kind, affectionate and clear in his communication. He's not afraid to say "no". And he's also good at asking for what he wants - which just makes me feel more safe doing the same.
Ok back to the story, in which I ask for what I want...
So we were in my Tiny House, on the bed. We were planning to cook dinner, but had gotten "distracted" with touching each other. I asked if we could play The Three Minute Game (yep, I'm a sex nerd) and Rob consented. I love this game because it's wonderful foreplay and it's a great way to get to know each others bodies, preferences and touch styles. During the portion of the game when it was his turn to touch my body for HIS pleasure, he had already started touching my pussy, and I was very much enjoying it. I could feel a delicious connection between the two of us and my body was responding with wetness and plumpness. His touch was very present and attuned, and his pace was slow and steady. Then it was my turn to have him touch me for MY pleasure. So I took a deep breath and got ready to give him precise instructions about how to touch my pussy for the maximum amount of pleasure, in that moment. First, we paused while I went to go get my sex blanket because I knew there was a chance of some squirting.
And yep, the rest of the story is gonna be for paid members only... (I'm a serious tease)...
Your financial support really helps me to manage the constant yet manageable vulnerability that I experience from putting myself (and this kind of content) out in the world. Thank you in advance!